I wrote a letter to my neighbours…
This is awkward, no-one wants to write a letter like this but it has to be done for the sake of my girlfriends sleep (who really enjoys her sleep) and my sanity.
Just after Mark moved out and you moved in I was quite surprised to be awoken by a rather unusual sound sometime after 2 in the morning. It almost sounded like I had left a movie of the “gentlemen’s entertainment” nature running in another room. An ecstatic moaning sound was drifting out of the walls! Once I woke sufficiently, I eventually realised it was the sounds of two people engaging in some vigorous and vocal sexual intercourse. I lay awkwardly there for a while, not sure if my moving would alert the participants to the fact that I was an unwilling voyeur, enjoying a ring side seat. At this point I must stop and say, “Kudos”. You really are giving your girlfriend the ride of her life. My girlfriend acknowledged last night that you “must have some skills”, thereby making me feel a bit inadequate… anyway, moving along. After some quiet investigation I determined the source of the disturbance in the force and tried to go back to sleep. Eventually, with a pillow over my head and the radio turned on, I was able to drift off but it was at least 45mins (damn!) of good sleeping time squandered. I spend several nights a week at my girlfriends house so I am not always home at night, but when I am, I am often woken by the sounds of your girlfriend’s physical bliss.
I am totally stoked that you and your girlfriend have an awesome and regular sex life. I know exactly how awesome and how regular because apparently the walls that separate our two houses (especially the main bedroom) are constructed of papier mâché made of single ply toilet paper. This really leaves NOTHING to the imagination. I imagine I could record the noises and sell it as porn for visually impaired people and turn a tidy profit.
I am also not one to judge WHEN you have awesome and regular sex, even if the hours are sometimes a little bit unusual – each to his own I say. I once roasted a lamb at 11 o’ clock at night so who am I to point fingers. I do appeal however, for the sake of my sleep and my health (my girlfriend tends to be very grumpy when woken in the middle of the night) to please try and contain the vocal side of the performance to a non-wall-penetrating volume. That would be awesome. (I have even tried to make the most of it and recently asked her if she would also like to engage in some very early morning intercourse…. the bruises are healing nicely). I’m usually asleep by 11PM and wake about 7AM – 8 hours are important to me. Outside of those quiet hours, please go wild, I can turn the radio up if I am at home, no worries.
I have not delivered it yet because I banged on the wall very early the other morning and I have not heard anything since…